I Surrender *White Flag*

After speaking to a friend, friends rather, i was thinking bout a pledge i made here some weeks back
about my stand on r/s and matters of the heart and wat not. i said i'd stay away until i got my career
on the line and i was earning some dough? well apparently i tell u it is bloody damn difficult to focus
on playing the sax and suppressing the feelins of the heart.. i suppose i like sorta 'discipline' myself
until i'm so oppressed dat i just dun enjoy life anymore? yeah self oppression perhaps.. not good for
the heart, not good for the health~

I think i know better now than to make pledges of abstinence hahah! i've noticed dat i feel so empty
i dun even have the mood to practise with 110% effort? yeah.. but when i let loose, i find i enjoy
many other things much more~ Yeah so the question is: Am I in love? hahaha! well, i aint too sure
whether i'll call it love yet, but i'm definitely experiencin wat it's like to be in love again. I've started
feelin things in my stomach and my heart dat i've not felt for a long time and yeah for the first time, i
am actually very very attracted by a certain individual whom i think just absolutely bowls me over
hahha!

Well, yeah try having your heart pounding non stop at the same speed and intensity for like an hour
and half! i had a hard time regulating back to a normal cardiac state~ not dat the bachelor helped
either~ but dat's another thing haha! Well, so many things could happen? I'll be goin to NS like next
year for 2 years plus. after dat, gotta find work as a musician, and how bout plans for studyin
overseas and all? I dunno.. but at this point of time, i'll just let go of all my pre-planned activities and
stuff and just commit them unto my Maker's hands. I think He'll know wat is best for me and how
things will turn out so i am putting all my faith in Him!

Am i afraid of delving deeper into this game of love? Will i risk having my heart broken again and
again? Well, a fren said nothin ventured nothing gained. If i dun invest, i'll never see any results~
So i guess it's just the way it is~ I've grown so much stronger over the years. As for now, i love the
sorta frenship dat i share with this certain individual :) yeah i really do treasure this :) we'll see how
it goes~

Yes, today i admit defeat ok. i've failed one of my goals!! hahahha! Well, ok maybe on the brink of
defeat since i aint attached yet. i know i'd be fighting a losing battle against my feelings. i give in
man.. hahahha! i'm alot happier definitely~ i dun understand now how i could be so dogmatic over
stuff like dat.. geez.. haha!

Alrite, i'm gonna go back to practice now! Think i'm gonna start playing every single note with love
hahah or sumthin like dat~